Fathers Day

I knew I wanted to write something today, I didn't know what I'd be writing or how I'd feel but today is a very big day and will be for the rest of my life. It's been 3.5 months since my Dad died and today is the first Father's Day without him. 

I remember last year, I was back home and we spent it together as usual. The question of 'is this the last one?' crossed my mind, but I quickly shook it out as I never truly believed that day would come, especially less than a year later. 

The lead up to this day has been a month full of e-mail reminders from companies that I wouldn't buy from for my Dad anyway. My Dad didn't need shower gels, he didn't need Dior Sauvage (despite the e-mails from Dior suggesting that he did). I would've been in Asda or M&S filling up a basket with his favourite nuts and snacks. I would've been picking up a few fancy jars of jam, flavours I wouldn't dream of buying myself. I would've bought him a selection of chutneys, I might've even bought him a selection of cheeses. I would've been in M&S with my mum selecting a new checkered shirt for his never-ending collection or I would've been choosing a new cable knit jumper to be placed on top of one he already had. Now, I queue up in Sainsbury's to buy my weekly food shop and I'm stood in the queue, conveniently next to the extremely loud stand marketing all things Father's Day. The card I'm not buying this year is sitting there, I'm not taking it home. The words are perfect, I would've added my own message in there too, telling him how strong he is, how brave he is and how he's the best Dad in the whole world and I love him beyond words that exist in this card, or ones I can write myself. I woke up this morning with no plans, no running downstairs with his card and present to find him in the kitchen making his morning coffee. No 'Good morning darling!' accompanied with an extremely grateful 'wow, thank you! this is excellent!'. I woke up this morning, I looked out of the window to see if I could see my Dad in the form of a feather, a beam of light or how I usually see him, a robin. I'm getting myself dressed and ready to go to the cemetery this year.

There hasn't been a day where I haven't sobbed missing my Dad, I don't need a special day to think of him, he never leaves my mind. 

Happy Father's Day Dad, you were the best, you still are the best and you always will be. I love you and miss you like you wouldn't believe. ❤️

Thoughts & Feelings - Missing Dad & Adjusting to Quarantine

Normally when I'm writing, I like to know the general idea of what I'm going to write about and have a title in mind, but I honestly don't know where this one is going, I just wanted to write. (I figured out a title, as there is probably going to be a series of posts like this!).
Life is just hard right now. I'm not expecting it to be easy, but it doesn't make the difficulties any more bearable. I just miss my Dad so much. So much that it physically hurts every part of me and even writing this brings on another bout of tears and pain. I picture his face and I just want him back. I just want to hear his voice and I want a big Dad hug. He had the most positive voice and attitude and its times like this that I need him the most. 
Despite my emotions crumbling more and more every day, I've actually taken some really positive steps for myself in the last week. I've been writing down a list of things that I want to do each day, first thing in the morning! Then I go about my day ticking them off, mostly! It's given me some structure and has also given me a chance of coping. Whilst downtime is good for me, I also cope a lot better when I'm occupied with something, and lockdown is making it much harder to occupy myself. There's only so much baking that you can do before you can't bear to look at another cupcake for a while! I have been working out again which I've been enjoying so much! It feels good to do something positive for my body after a few months of neglecting it!
I miss my mum and brother a lot. I didn't live at home anyway so of course, I didn't see them every day, but it's been so long since I saw them and we should be able to be together and comfort each other. I do have so much support, but the three of us know exactly the pain we're going through and it would probably make things that little bit easier if we could see each other. 
I know I shouldn't, but I have been wondering what people may or may not think about what I'm writing. It's natural I suppose and it wouldn't stop me, but I am curious! I generally assume that people roll their eyes every time I post something like this, or post anything about Dad or grieving. Of course, that isn't going to stop me writing. It's funny because my boyfriend just saw me typing away and asks me what I'm doing, so I said 'I'm writing' and he said he's so happy to see me writing because he knows I always feel much better after it! He's seen me in floods of tears every single day throughout the day, so he knows how much I need some kind of relief! We all grieve and cope in our own ways, I have lots of different coping mechanisms and writing is definitely one of them. 

I'm not kidding when I say every single time I think of Dad at the moment, I burst into tears. It's only really been like that in the last week because before that I could think about him and be quite peaceful, but now I just erupt in tears! I think before, I was still in a state of processing the shock of losing him and also adjusting to quarantine life which was definitely at the forefront of my mind, but now I've settled more into this new lockdown life, I'm facing the reality of Dad not being here anymore. It's times like this where I'd want to go to the beach we used to go to as kids and various other things that would help me feel closer to Dad. God forbid when life actually returns to 'normal' and then I'm really thrown in at the deep end. Lockdown has just added another layer to grief that was totally unnecessary. 
This post has been a bit all over the place, but it's got various things off my chest! I just want a few days of respite. Writing usually gives me some relief, so maybe I can have a few days of stillness in my heart now. My eyes are constantly stinging from crying all the time and my anxiety has gotten so high, I don't even know why. I can hear my heart beating so loud when I try to relax. It's reminding me of a fraction of how I felt at the time leading up to my Dads passing. (Side note, I actually want to write about that at some point, it was a harrowing experience and it hurts when I think about it but I definitely want to share that experience at some point. Ahh, my incessant need to share.).
To sum up this long-winded post, I miss my Dad incredible amounts. Sometimes to the point where I think my heart will stop if I feel any more pain. It's just not enough for me at the moment to know 'he's always with me'. It's not the same when I'm longing for his physical presence. Anyway, I say this probably every day but 'there will be better days'. There has been, and there will be more again. I am hopeful, I'll keep trying.