Friday, June 5, 2020

Three Months On

Today marks three months since I lost my Dad. So much is going on in the world and I very much appreciate having this space on the internet to document and share how everything is. I wasn't going to post an update today given everything that's currently being highlighted in the world, but after reflecting on old blog content last night, I decided it's important for me and my own journey to still document this today.

I wouldn't even know where the month began anymore, lockdown just feels like one large period of time, so identifying when there have been changes in my grief can be difficult to pinpoint. I go through patches of intense grieving and patches of almost needing to avoid my emotions just to get through a few days peacefully. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I've been discovering some new skills like baking and there have been countless occasions where I wish I could just show my Dad what I've been doing. It breaks my heart when I have something I want to talk to him about and I can't. 

I have had many days where I feel extremely depressed about everything and I still do, but I actually wanted to share something positive. I feel that it's my duty to make my Dad proud. I know the kind of things that would actually make my Dad proud and I feel like I'm starting to believe in myself that little bit more to be able to achieve that. I kind of boxed myself off in a category of mediocrity without even realising it and that's not what I have ever envisioned for myself since I can remember. My Dad always encouraged me to do anything I wanted to do and be anything I wanted to be and I should honour both him and myself by making that happen. My Dad's response to me sharing a dream or an ambition with him was always 'So what do you need to do to get there?' or 'So how are you going to do it?' accompanied by 'I will do everything I can and provide whatever you need to make that happen'. I miss him, I miss these conversations so much. I know that's what he's saying to me right now and that's why I'm starting to try to figure it all out. 

I'll do this Dad and I'll make you proud. I promised you that you didn't need to worry about me, (even if I wasn't sure how true that actually was). It's been three months and I miss you all day, every day, every night and I love you, I always will.




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