Mental Health Awareness Week - It's Okay To Speak Up

It's Mental Health Awareness Week and I don't think I've ever specifically touched on mental health on my blog, and if I have, it's stayed in my drafts as I've been too nervous to post it. Not because I'm ashamed of myself, but I just didn't believe in my writing enough! Since I've been posting on here more frequently this year and solely about the hard-hitting stuff, I really wanted to share something that I hope will strike a chord with at least one person who's struggling in silence.

I think at this point it's more unusual to come across somebody who hasn't got a history of mental health than somebody who has, whereas when I first noticed I was struggling with my mind ten years ago, I truly felt like I was the only person in the world going through it. It's such a sad reality that most of us have struggled or still struggle with depression and anxiety, not to mention the copious amounts of other mental health disorders that are less frequently touched upon. 

From day one of my struggles, I was always willing to speak up. I wasn't trying to prove anything or raise awareness, I just genuinely wanted someone to help me get the hell out of my head and figure out why I felt the way I did. My diagnosis has bounced between depression and anxiety over the years, primarily depression but I'd say I've suffered more with anxiety in later years and that's something I still deal with every day. The best thing I ever did was speak up, (actually, the best thing I ever did was starting to exercise, but speaking up was the catalyst to opening the conversation about my issues). I spent a good few months feeling, and I quote, 'a big black cloud over my head' before I broke down to my Dad and begged for help. At 14/15 years old I'd never even heard of 'mental health' before, and I'd certainly never heard the word depression. I had absolutely no prior influence to accelerate what I was feeling, I just felt deeply unhappy, foggy in my head and scared. I guess you could put two and two together and say that finding out about my Dads cancer diagnosis triggered this, and I know it frightened me to death about the fragility of his life, but the extent of my issues ended up going beyond that and I would fall into the big black hole of depression that I've climbed out of and fallen back into many times over the years due to many different things. 

If I didn't speak up as often as I did, no matter how difficult it was to say the things I needed to say, I probably wouldn't be here. I'd probably never have got to spend so many precious years with my Dad after my mental health improved and I became so much more loving and (mature dare I say). I probably wouldn't have had the billions of phone calls with my mum with that I do, chatting about anything, everything, and making memories with her every day. I probably wouldn't have seen my brother overcome the biggest tragedy of his life because I would've been too afraid to see it through by his side. I probably wouldn't have met the love of my life and travel around the world together. I probably wouldn't have rekindled my friendship with my best friend, and now we catch each other whenever we fall. I probably wouldn't have made so many delicious meals and I definitely wouldn't have tried so many insanely good foods! I probably wouldn't have discovered my passion for baking and the sheer joy it brings me, and I probably wouldn't have seen my favourite shows that have brought me hours of complete happiness.

That doesn't even scratch the surface of the number of incredible things that happened as a result of me staying here, even when that seemed cruel at the time. If I hadn't spoken out, if I hadn't cried for help, where would I be?

Without question, I'm going through the most difficult, devastating time of my life. There have been many times in the last few months where I'd had enough. I haven't got it all figured out, but I do know this, there will always be better days. There will be days where you think you can't see through to the next hour, but you'll get there. The important thing is to talk. You are absolutely not alone, nobody thinks you're strange, nobody thinks you're crazy and nobody thinks you're a failure. You matter. Your problems matter, no matter how big or small you think they are.

I started writing this post at the beginning of the week and decided to pick it up later on. I've picked it up again after settling myself down to bake some blueberry muffins after a difficult afternoon. I spent it crying after going through the collection of photos I have of me and my Dad, (I then made a video of family photos using the song played at his funeral, so I've been a wreck). To be honest, most days are like that. I genuinely don't know how people get it together after such a heartbreaking loss, my world is completely crumbled. Days like this leave me wondering if there's any hope for the future, but as I read over the first few paragraphs of this blog post, I remind myself that there will be better days. I suppose they will be different, but I have smiled and I will smile again. I'll do it all for my Dad, in due time!! (I'm human and emotional). 

So, I've had my reminder and this is yours. You can do this. You can smile, you can laugh and you can be happy. I am a great believer in a problem shared is a problem halved, (my mum taught me this because telling her the crazy nightmares I'd have really lifted the weight off, haha!). So please, talk to someone. Whether that's your best friend, a family member or a GP, take that first step and let it all out. You have no idea how things can transform for you, you have no idea the amazing opportunities that wait for you and the beautiful future you're destined to create. 

If anybody reading this wants to talk about anything, you can always send me a message. 

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Samaritans Helpline - 116 123
Mind - Mental Health Charity & Support

Dealing with loss whilst in quarantine

I found it very therapeutic for a little while after writing and sharing my last post about losing my Dad. I also mentioned that I wanted to use this blog almost like a diary for me, not necessarily because I have something structured to say. 

It's mid-way through week two in quarantine or self-isolation and life has changed for everybody, not just me. I'm at a bit of a loss for what to do really because just under four weeks ago, my world fell apart. My life changed forever and the way to try to move forward with that was with the support of family and friends, being around the people I love and having them hold me up in a time where I desperately need it. Fast forward to now and everybody is dealing with their own personal struggles that have come as a consequence of coronavirus. It's a very lonely time. 

I went to visit my Dad today in the chapel of rest. Since he passed away I had decided against going to see him there, I just felt I didn't want to revisit those emotions again as the road ahead is difficult enough. Over the past four weeks, I've been dreaming about him every night and that he'd come back so I could have one last conversation with him. I thought again about visiting him there as I felt it could be a very important part of the grieving process and to have that chance to be with him one last time. Things have been so much harder for a while, his absence is becoming more and more prominent each day and has become so much more real since my last post. I'm actually feeling very depressed. I've suffered from depression greatly over the last ten years and it was actually my Dad that sought help for me all those years ago. It's been my Dad that I've turned to when I felt there was no light at the end of the tunnel. On my way to visit him today, I felt such emotion for the fact that this was the final time I'd be going to him in my helpless moments. I'm glad I got to be with him and share some final moments in his physical presence, however thanks to lockdown I couldn't be with my family afterwards or have much time to process it.

Lockdown is having such a strong effect on my mental health on top of losing my Dad. It's making the most difficult time of my life so much harder. I can't be with my family, I can't do the majority of things that would typically help me, or at least distract me. I honestly thought the numbness of grief would last for a couple of months or so but with the amount of time I'm spending by myself, I can't help but feel the pain and the longing. It kills me every day. I know how painful it is for those who have loved ones in end of life care/have passed away during this time. 

I'm re-reading this post many times whilst I'm writing it and I'm quite conscious of what people might say as it's very negative, but I want to express my emotions. (Honestly, I'm still holding back so much of what I truly want to say.. and have typed out about twenty times).

The bottom line is, I'm not okay. I might not cry when I talk to people, but I am absolutely less than okay. I am less than coping. I hope and pray that as a nation we pull together and do what is required of us (stay home) so we can get out of this mess sooner. I just want to be able to take care of myself and my family and try to process the loss of my Dad, the person we love more than anything on this Earth. 

I'm sure there will be better days just like there are bad days. I'm having a lot of consecutive bad days which is what brought me back here again, but I hope to share something more positive in the near future. I do have hope for better days, for example, tomorrow I have some rhinestones arriving and I'm going to bedazzle the hell out of all of my make-up brushes. Lord knows there's good in that. 

I hope everyone who is reading this during the coronavirus period is keeping well, safe, and finding things to keep yourself occupied. I would love to learn some new skills. Tomorrow, I bedazzle. Some people go to therapy, I turn to bedazzling. My Dad would not be surprised after me filling my room with glitter and sparkly things my whole childhood. 

I will post again, possibly when I have done something positive and can share some hope but at the end of the day, what's the good in 'it's okay to talk' or 'speak up' if I just sprinkle sunshine everywhere when I feel like a massive grey cloud. I have put a really happy photo below though as it very much makes me smile no matter what :)

When You're Scared, You Run Away - But What Happens If You Don't?

It's past midnight, and I'm 'spur-of-the-moment' writing up this post. It may never make it to the internet world, but here we go anyway.
I'm always thinking, more often than not very intensely thinking.  I've been through a lot in my life, more than anyone should. I've been through so much pain over the past six months, or at least the most part of that. I still don't feel the need to explain why, but if you can relate to heartache and loss and many other horrible experiences, I'm sure you can relate. 
I've always spent my latter years backing down from occasions, opportunities, social events for the fear of anxiety. No, I'm not going to ramble on about 'my story'.. it's neither here nor there. Shit happens, life often sucks, what else is there to say? Maybe one day when I feel like it could benefit people, I'll go through the gruelling last 5 years I've lived in relation to mental health, but for now, I'll just cover bits and bobs.. what ever springs to mind.
Anyway, how many of you turn down opportunities? Back away from potentially scary conversations? Hide away and live a sheltered life due to anxiety?  Over the past few months, I've been beating that little demon down. Booking that train ticket, wearing that ridiculously outrageous make-up, meeting up with an old friend. Let me tell you, these are three of the countless things I've pushed myself to do, things anxiety would normally steer me away from, and these are things, memories that I now treasure.  I booked a ticket to London last week to meet with a brand, I was terrified, I almost said no. Then I thought to myself, 'Alright, you'll be nervous.. but you'll meet with your first brand. You'll discuss potential opportunities. So what if I get anxious, the feeling disappears, I know from experience. Just do it, just get off your ass and do it'. And I did it. I'm now incredibly excited to be working with Fashion Eyewear, and I also got the opportunity to attend the Lipsy event and meet none other than Michelle Keegan? Yeah, take that anxiety.
I also was recently in contact with an old best friend, and I was so nervous to meet again after so many years had passed. It would have been easy to panic and get too into my head, but I gave myself a damn good talking too. I now have one of the best friends in the world. I have someone who's always there for me, and can cheer me up, eat Chinese food with me and obsess over make-up.  One of the things I remember about her is her love for roller-coasters and all things 'dangerous', (I guess? Haha!). Unfortunately, (and I really hope she doesn't mind me briefly touching over!), she's suffered so much through her life too, and anxiety plays a huge part in her life, (understandably so). I know it's something as trivial as a roller-coaster, but it really makes me sad that anxiety can take something like that away from somebody. (PS, I appreciate people change and change interests, I'm using this as an example). But this works for most situations. Take me for example, anxiety stopped me watching The Walking Dead for a long time, something I was so enamoured by. I was scared of feeling.. well, feelings. It was scary, but I put the disc in and watched an episode, with my brother by my side. You can't pull me away from that show now! Don't even try. (Love you Rick & Daryl!). The reasons I stopped watching aren't the show itself, it's memories surrounding the show. I've forgotten them now, I made new memories. I can clearly see I've gone off on a tangent, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're suffering the consequences of anxiety, tried everything to tackle it. Maybe try putting it to the test? I'm by no means a doctor, and I'm not saying what works for me works for you, but challenging yourself can be one of the most rewarding things. It certainly has been for me. 
Bare in mind, this has taken me five years to get to this place, and nobody can force you to do anything. Only you can force yourself. Do it yourself. 
I really feel this post has gone to too many places, it seriously is just pouring from the head and the heart. Is it even beneficial? I don't know.
To sum up, I have got some of the most amazing friends due to challenging myself, and I have some of the most amazing opportunities, memories, life-changing experiences. Do you know what's most rewarding? I did this. All by myself. I consider myself very independent, very happy and a crazy little bitch and I love it. You can damn well do this. You can take yourself to the most amazing places, mentally, physically. Sometimes you have to scare yourself. Don't run away anymore. Believe in yourself.