Mental Health Awareness Week - It's Okay To Speak Up

It's Mental Health Awareness Week and I don't think I've ever specifically touched on mental health on my blog, and if I have, it's stayed in my drafts as I've been too nervous to post it. Not because I'm ashamed of myself, but I just didn't believe in my writing enough! Since I've been posting on here more frequently this year and solely about the hard-hitting stuff, I really wanted to share something that I hope will strike a chord with at least one person who's struggling in silence.

I think at this point it's more unusual to come across somebody who hasn't got a history of mental health than somebody who has, whereas when I first noticed I was struggling with my mind ten years ago, I truly felt like I was the only person in the world going through it. It's such a sad reality that most of us have struggled or still struggle with depression and anxiety, not to mention the copious amounts of other mental health disorders that are less frequently touched upon. 

From day one of my struggles, I was always willing to speak up. I wasn't trying to prove anything or raise awareness, I just genuinely wanted someone to help me get the hell out of my head and figure out why I felt the way I did. My diagnosis has bounced between depression and anxiety over the years, primarily depression but I'd say I've suffered more with anxiety in later years and that's something I still deal with every day. The best thing I ever did was speak up, (actually, the best thing I ever did was starting to exercise, but speaking up was the catalyst to opening the conversation about my issues). I spent a good few months feeling, and I quote, 'a big black cloud over my head' before I broke down to my Dad and begged for help. At 14/15 years old I'd never even heard of 'mental health' before, and I'd certainly never heard the word depression. I had absolutely no prior influence to accelerate what I was feeling, I just felt deeply unhappy, foggy in my head and scared. I guess you could put two and two together and say that finding out about my Dads cancer diagnosis triggered this, and I know it frightened me to death about the fragility of his life, but the extent of my issues ended up going beyond that and I would fall into the big black hole of depression that I've climbed out of and fallen back into many times over the years due to many different things. 

If I didn't speak up as often as I did, no matter how difficult it was to say the things I needed to say, I probably wouldn't be here. I'd probably never have got to spend so many precious years with my Dad after my mental health improved and I became so much more loving and (mature dare I say). I probably wouldn't have had the billions of phone calls with my mum with that I do, chatting about anything, everything, and making memories with her every day. I probably wouldn't have seen my brother overcome the biggest tragedy of his life because I would've been too afraid to see it through by his side. I probably wouldn't have met the love of my life and travel around the world together. I probably wouldn't have rekindled my friendship with my best friend, and now we catch each other whenever we fall. I probably wouldn't have made so many delicious meals and I definitely wouldn't have tried so many insanely good foods! I probably wouldn't have discovered my passion for baking and the sheer joy it brings me, and I probably wouldn't have seen my favourite shows that have brought me hours of complete happiness.

That doesn't even scratch the surface of the number of incredible things that happened as a result of me staying here, even when that seemed cruel at the time. If I hadn't spoken out, if I hadn't cried for help, where would I be?

Without question, I'm going through the most difficult, devastating time of my life. There have been many times in the last few months where I'd had enough. I haven't got it all figured out, but I do know this, there will always be better days. There will be days where you think you can't see through to the next hour, but you'll get there. The important thing is to talk. You are absolutely not alone, nobody thinks you're strange, nobody thinks you're crazy and nobody thinks you're a failure. You matter. Your problems matter, no matter how big or small you think they are.

I started writing this post at the beginning of the week and decided to pick it up later on. I've picked it up again after settling myself down to bake some blueberry muffins after a difficult afternoon. I spent it crying after going through the collection of photos I have of me and my Dad, (I then made a video of family photos using the song played at his funeral, so I've been a wreck). To be honest, most days are like that. I genuinely don't know how people get it together after such a heartbreaking loss, my world is completely crumbled. Days like this leave me wondering if there's any hope for the future, but as I read over the first few paragraphs of this blog post, I remind myself that there will be better days. I suppose they will be different, but I have smiled and I will smile again. I'll do it all for my Dad, in due time!! (I'm human and emotional). 

So, I've had my reminder and this is yours. You can do this. You can smile, you can laugh and you can be happy. I am a great believer in a problem shared is a problem halved, (my mum taught me this because telling her the crazy nightmares I'd have really lifted the weight off, haha!). So please, talk to someone. Whether that's your best friend, a family member or a GP, take that first step and let it all out. You have no idea how things can transform for you, you have no idea the amazing opportunities that wait for you and the beautiful future you're destined to create. 

If anybody reading this wants to talk about anything, you can always send me a message. 

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Samaritans Helpline - 116 123
Mind - Mental Health Charity & Support

When You're Scared, You Run Away - But What Happens If You Don't?

It's past midnight, and I'm 'spur-of-the-moment' writing up this post. It may never make it to the internet world, but here we go anyway.
I'm always thinking, more often than not very intensely thinking.  I've been through a lot in my life, more than anyone should. I've been through so much pain over the past six months, or at least the most part of that. I still don't feel the need to explain why, but if you can relate to heartache and loss and many other horrible experiences, I'm sure you can relate. 
I've always spent my latter years backing down from occasions, opportunities, social events for the fear of anxiety. No, I'm not going to ramble on about 'my story'.. it's neither here nor there. Shit happens, life often sucks, what else is there to say? Maybe one day when I feel like it could benefit people, I'll go through the gruelling last 5 years I've lived in relation to mental health, but for now, I'll just cover bits and bobs.. what ever springs to mind.
Anyway, how many of you turn down opportunities? Back away from potentially scary conversations? Hide away and live a sheltered life due to anxiety?  Over the past few months, I've been beating that little demon down. Booking that train ticket, wearing that ridiculously outrageous make-up, meeting up with an old friend. Let me tell you, these are three of the countless things I've pushed myself to do, things anxiety would normally steer me away from, and these are things, memories that I now treasure.  I booked a ticket to London last week to meet with a brand, I was terrified, I almost said no. Then I thought to myself, 'Alright, you'll be nervous.. but you'll meet with your first brand. You'll discuss potential opportunities. So what if I get anxious, the feeling disappears, I know from experience. Just do it, just get off your ass and do it'. And I did it. I'm now incredibly excited to be working with Fashion Eyewear, and I also got the opportunity to attend the Lipsy event and meet none other than Michelle Keegan? Yeah, take that anxiety.
I also was recently in contact with an old best friend, and I was so nervous to meet again after so many years had passed. It would have been easy to panic and get too into my head, but I gave myself a damn good talking too. I now have one of the best friends in the world. I have someone who's always there for me, and can cheer me up, eat Chinese food with me and obsess over make-up.  One of the things I remember about her is her love for roller-coasters and all things 'dangerous', (I guess? Haha!). Unfortunately, (and I really hope she doesn't mind me briefly touching over!), she's suffered so much through her life too, and anxiety plays a huge part in her life, (understandably so). I know it's something as trivial as a roller-coaster, but it really makes me sad that anxiety can take something like that away from somebody. (PS, I appreciate people change and change interests, I'm using this as an example). But this works for most situations. Take me for example, anxiety stopped me watching The Walking Dead for a long time, something I was so enamoured by. I was scared of feeling.. well, feelings. It was scary, but I put the disc in and watched an episode, with my brother by my side. You can't pull me away from that show now! Don't even try. (Love you Rick & Daryl!). The reasons I stopped watching aren't the show itself, it's memories surrounding the show. I've forgotten them now, I made new memories. I can clearly see I've gone off on a tangent, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're suffering the consequences of anxiety, tried everything to tackle it. Maybe try putting it to the test? I'm by no means a doctor, and I'm not saying what works for me works for you, but challenging yourself can be one of the most rewarding things. It certainly has been for me. 
Bare in mind, this has taken me five years to get to this place, and nobody can force you to do anything. Only you can force yourself. Do it yourself. 
I really feel this post has gone to too many places, it seriously is just pouring from the head and the heart. Is it even beneficial? I don't know.
To sum up, I have got some of the most amazing friends due to challenging myself, and I have some of the most amazing opportunities, memories, life-changing experiences. Do you know what's most rewarding? I did this. All by myself. I consider myself very independent, very happy and a crazy little bitch and I love it. You can damn well do this. You can take yourself to the most amazing places, mentally, physically. Sometimes you have to scare yourself. Don't run away anymore. Believe in yourself. 

Finding Happiness, Independently

Well, hello! It's been suuuuuch a long time since I sat down and gave my blog some attention. This is due to so, so many reasons, (which I won't delve into), but recently I've been inspired to get back into writing. I haven't totally been neglecting beauty and fashion over the past few months, as I've been diving into my YouTube channel head first, but I just wasn't up to going outside and shooting pictures of myself when I couldn't bare to look back at them. I'm not 100% ready to throw myself back behind the camera 'outfit post' wise, but I thought I'd type up something that's so important to me.
So, 'finding happiness'. What even defines happiness? Everyone has their own personal happiness. Some find it through reading, some find it through sport, some find it through watching their favourite show, it's different for everybody. 
Today, I'm talking about finding happiness within yourself, on your own. Yes, it's important to enjoy other peoples company, but it's so much more important, in-fact it's imperative that you can enjoy your own.  I'm going to be honest, I'm no expert, but damn do I put my heart and soul into this every single day. From the minute I wake up, to the minute I fall asleep, my brain is on overtime trying to find peace within myself, and enjoy my own company. I saw a therapist/mental health lady around a year ago, and she told me how important it was to be at peace with myself. I never got the hang of it, I never thought it was necessary. Anyway, as time has gone on, I'm learning more and more about myself, and something that I've learnt is that I must find happiness, independently.
Here's a few things I do by myself that give my life something, that make that second more bearable than the previous. 
1. Watching YouTube videos. I love watching channels where the YouTuber has a natural sense of humour, but also entrances me with pretty beauty products and eyeshadow tutorials. To name a few, KathleenLights, Grav3yardgirl, MannyMUA, BeccaRose. I also love a good comedy YouTuber, e.g. Shane Dawson, Jenna Marbles, Glozell.
2. My dog. Whether it be a few seconds, or 5 minutes, I love playing with my dog. I'm not so sure he's as in to is as I am, but I just love squishing his beautiful little face!! It melts my heart.
3. A spring clean. Now I know that this really isn't everybody's idea of fun, but it's something I can really sink my teeth into. It occupies my mind, and the reward is a fresh, clean room! (Regardless of it lasting all of 5 minutes!).
4. A car journey with the window open. This is something I've loved since being a child. I love sticking my head out of the window, listening to old music, new music, just music. It clears my head for a period of time, and even puts things into perspective for me.
5. TV! Goodness me, those Kardashians do it for me. I can't get enough of watching their ups and downs and everything in between. Hollyoaks is another one. 7pm, Monday to Friday, you know where I'll be.
6. Applying make-up. Even on a day off, where I've no plans, I'll just sit in my room and apply make-up. I love experimenting and creating new looks. 
7. The gym! Yes, I only joined around a week ago, but it's such an accomplishment for me. I attending my first class, and I don't think I'll be looking back! Okay, I am officially crippled, but y'know what they say, no pain, no gain!
There's definitely more that I can't think of off the top of my head, but these are things that bring me joy inside. I can't tell you how important it is to find happiness within yourself. Just for one minute, imagine that everybody in your life disappeared for a week, a month, whatever, just imagine it. What do you do? What interests do you have? What do you do for happiness? It is so not easy, but it's a life skill I daren't forget. There's a big difference in loneliness and independence. Be independent. Find something you love and run with it. Get to know who you are. Explore yourself.
I hope this post made some kind of sense. It's almost 1am, my brother is off to Italy in the morning for 2 weeks and I'm really at a loose end on how to cope. I suffer with anxiety in far too many ways, and I don't always enjoy other peoples company as it can get a little unsettling, so scoping out ways to enjoy my own company is such an important part of my life. Anyway, I hope this rang some bells for some people. I'd love to know some of the things that make you independently happy, so please comment them down below! I'm hoping to get back into my fashion blogging soon, so I shall be back with those at some point!
Lots of love x