Thoughts & Feelings - Missing Dad & Adjusting to Quarantine

Normally when I'm writing, I like to know the general idea of what I'm going to write about and have a title in mind, but I honestly don't know where this one is going, I just wanted to write. (I figured out a title, as there is probably going to be a series of posts like this!).
Life is just hard right now. I'm not expecting it to be easy, but it doesn't make the difficulties any more bearable. I just miss my Dad so much. So much that it physically hurts every part of me and even writing this brings on another bout of tears and pain. I picture his face and I just want him back. I just want to hear his voice and I want a big Dad hug. He had the most positive voice and attitude and its times like this that I need him the most. 
Despite my emotions crumbling more and more every day, I've actually taken some really positive steps for myself in the last week. I've been writing down a list of things that I want to do each day, first thing in the morning! Then I go about my day ticking them off, mostly! It's given me some structure and has also given me a chance of coping. Whilst downtime is good for me, I also cope a lot better when I'm occupied with something, and lockdown is making it much harder to occupy myself. There's only so much baking that you can do before you can't bear to look at another cupcake for a while! I have been working out again which I've been enjoying so much! It feels good to do something positive for my body after a few months of neglecting it!
I miss my mum and brother a lot. I didn't live at home anyway so of course, I didn't see them every day, but it's been so long since I saw them and we should be able to be together and comfort each other. I do have so much support, but the three of us know exactly the pain we're going through and it would probably make things that little bit easier if we could see each other. 
I know I shouldn't, but I have been wondering what people may or may not think about what I'm writing. It's natural I suppose and it wouldn't stop me, but I am curious! I generally assume that people roll their eyes every time I post something like this, or post anything about Dad or grieving. Of course, that isn't going to stop me writing. It's funny because my boyfriend just saw me typing away and asks me what I'm doing, so I said 'I'm writing' and he said he's so happy to see me writing because he knows I always feel much better after it! He's seen me in floods of tears every single day throughout the day, so he knows how much I need some kind of relief! We all grieve and cope in our own ways, I have lots of different coping mechanisms and writing is definitely one of them. 

I'm not kidding when I say every single time I think of Dad at the moment, I burst into tears. It's only really been like that in the last week because before that I could think about him and be quite peaceful, but now I just erupt in tears! I think before, I was still in a state of processing the shock of losing him and also adjusting to quarantine life which was definitely at the forefront of my mind, but now I've settled more into this new lockdown life, I'm facing the reality of Dad not being here anymore. It's times like this where I'd want to go to the beach we used to go to as kids and various other things that would help me feel closer to Dad. God forbid when life actually returns to 'normal' and then I'm really thrown in at the deep end. Lockdown has just added another layer to grief that was totally unnecessary. 
This post has been a bit all over the place, but it's got various things off my chest! I just want a few days of respite. Writing usually gives me some relief, so maybe I can have a few days of stillness in my heart now. My eyes are constantly stinging from crying all the time and my anxiety has gotten so high, I don't even know why. I can hear my heart beating so loud when I try to relax. It's reminding me of a fraction of how I felt at the time leading up to my Dads passing. (Side note, I actually want to write about that at some point, it was a harrowing experience and it hurts when I think about it but I definitely want to share that experience at some point. Ahh, my incessant need to share.).
To sum up this long-winded post, I miss my Dad incredible amounts. Sometimes to the point where I think my heart will stop if I feel any more pain. It's just not enough for me at the moment to know 'he's always with me'. It's not the same when I'm longing for his physical presence. Anyway, I say this probably every day but 'there will be better days'. There has been, and there will be more again. I am hopeful, I'll keep trying.

Dealing with loss whilst in quarantine

I found it very therapeutic for a little while after writing and sharing my last post about losing my Dad. I also mentioned that I wanted to use this blog almost like a diary for me, not necessarily because I have something structured to say. 

It's mid-way through week two in quarantine or self-isolation and life has changed for everybody, not just me. I'm at a bit of a loss for what to do really because just under four weeks ago, my world fell apart. My life changed forever and the way to try to move forward with that was with the support of family and friends, being around the people I love and having them hold me up in a time where I desperately need it. Fast forward to now and everybody is dealing with their own personal struggles that have come as a consequence of coronavirus. It's a very lonely time. 

I went to visit my Dad today in the chapel of rest. Since he passed away I had decided against going to see him there, I just felt I didn't want to revisit those emotions again as the road ahead is difficult enough. Over the past four weeks, I've been dreaming about him every night and that he'd come back so I could have one last conversation with him. I thought again about visiting him there as I felt it could be a very important part of the grieving process and to have that chance to be with him one last time. Things have been so much harder for a while, his absence is becoming more and more prominent each day and has become so much more real since my last post. I'm actually feeling very depressed. I've suffered from depression greatly over the last ten years and it was actually my Dad that sought help for me all those years ago. It's been my Dad that I've turned to when I felt there was no light at the end of the tunnel. On my way to visit him today, I felt such emotion for the fact that this was the final time I'd be going to him in my helpless moments. I'm glad I got to be with him and share some final moments in his physical presence, however thanks to lockdown I couldn't be with my family afterwards or have much time to process it.

Lockdown is having such a strong effect on my mental health on top of losing my Dad. It's making the most difficult time of my life so much harder. I can't be with my family, I can't do the majority of things that would typically help me, or at least distract me. I honestly thought the numbness of grief would last for a couple of months or so but with the amount of time I'm spending by myself, I can't help but feel the pain and the longing. It kills me every day. I know how painful it is for those who have loved ones in end of life care/have passed away during this time. 

I'm re-reading this post many times whilst I'm writing it and I'm quite conscious of what people might say as it's very negative, but I want to express my emotions. (Honestly, I'm still holding back so much of what I truly want to say.. and have typed out about twenty times).

The bottom line is, I'm not okay. I might not cry when I talk to people, but I am absolutely less than okay. I am less than coping. I hope and pray that as a nation we pull together and do what is required of us (stay home) so we can get out of this mess sooner. I just want to be able to take care of myself and my family and try to process the loss of my Dad, the person we love more than anything on this Earth. 

I'm sure there will be better days just like there are bad days. I'm having a lot of consecutive bad days which is what brought me back here again, but I hope to share something more positive in the near future. I do have hope for better days, for example, tomorrow I have some rhinestones arriving and I'm going to bedazzle the hell out of all of my make-up brushes. Lord knows there's good in that. 

I hope everyone who is reading this during the coronavirus period is keeping well, safe, and finding things to keep yourself occupied. I would love to learn some new skills. Tomorrow, I bedazzle. Some people go to therapy, I turn to bedazzling. My Dad would not be surprised after me filling my room with glitter and sparkly things my whole childhood. 

I will post again, possibly when I have done something positive and can share some hope but at the end of the day, what's the good in 'it's okay to talk' or 'speak up' if I just sprinkle sunshine everywhere when I feel like a massive grey cloud. I have put a really happy photo below though as it very much makes me smile no matter what :)